


Before I Do Comes I Don't

by cecilia095



Category: New Girl
Genre: F/M, Future Fic, Marriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-14 19:44:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5755906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cecilia095/pseuds/cecilia095
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They're married exactly three weeks when they fight for the first time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before I Do Comes I Don't

**Author's Note:**

> Based off an Anonymous prompt I received on Tumblr: "Nick and Jess first huge argument since married".
> 
> As always, I always accept prompts/requests over at my [Tumblr](http://dresswithoutsleeves.tumblr.com/ask). :)

They're married exactly three weeks when they fight for the first time.

No, okay, not  _the first time_ \- Jess and Nick started bickering the moment she signed the lease to Apartment 4D, but now they're married, and  _did he really just say that to me_?, and - Ugh. Jess goes to storm out and Nick goes to storm out and then the both of them kind of just look at each other, and then Jess goes, "...We both can't storm out." 

Nick points to himself and says, " _I'M_ STORMING OUT JESSICA!"

Jess throws both hands on her hips and widens her eyes. " _YOU_?WHY?  _I'M_ THE ONE WHO'S MORE OFFENDED!"

Nick snickers. "YOU DON'T GET TO CHOOSE WHO'S MORE OFFENDED, I'M JUST AS OFFENDED! ACTUALLY, NO, I'M _REALLY_ OFFENDED!"

"AT WHAT NICK, THE FACT THAT YOU CAN'T HELP YOURSELF FROM SAYING STUPID THINGS?" Jess huffs, and then she slides past Nick easily and slams the door so hard the mug on the table in the hallway falls down.

—

The next few days are just:

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Breakfast is in the toaster."

"Cool, yeah, cool."

"Yeah."

"Um. Have a good day, I guess."

"Yeah. You too. I guess."

Nick gets in from work at midnight and Jess is cuddled up on the couch with a throw blanket and the TV on mute, _Law and Order_ reruns playing in the background.

He walks over to her and kind of just tucks her in because she's still his wife and the house is freezing and the rest of the blankets are in their bedroom and Jess is stubborn and Nick is stubborn too.

"Jessica," he whispers, and she turns over onto her side and sort of just blinks at him. "You're not coming to bed, are you?"

"This," she says, and she flattens her hand down onto the couch and runs it along the leather, "is my new bed, Nicholas."

—

"Welcome to Couples Counseling With Mr. Schmidt. And Mrs. Schmidt. She kind of just... tagged along." 

He starts to draw an 'M' in the air, then an 'R', then an 'S', and Nick goes, "Do you see a chalkboard anywhere, you idiot?"

"Just for the record," Cece says, "none of this was my idea."

"Well yeah, I don't think you're exactly qualified to perform  _marital counseling_ ," says Jess, and Cece just widens her eyes. "I mean, last week you two fought over  _bed sheets_."

"She tried to put those Jersey T Shirt sheets on our bed," Schmidt says, and he's cringing in disgust. "We live in a household of 1800 Thread Count. Nothing less."

Cece bites the inside of her cheek and turns to Schmidt. "The Jersey T Shirt sheets are comfortable and you know it. You force our sixteen-month-old to sleep on Egyptian cotton, as if she tells the other babies at daycare, ' _Ha-ha, my bed sheets are fancier than yours_ '."

"Well, I'm sure she'll brag about Daddy's taste one day," he says, and then Jess is all, "Again, remind me why  _you two_ are counseling us?"

Schmidt folds his hands in lap. " _Because_ ," he says, and he looks at Cece almost so sweetly you'd forget they were fighting about  _sheets_ a minute before, "we've been married for years, and even though she screws up my Starbucks order sometimes, -"

"-  _Schmidt_."

"- I love her more than I loved her the day before."

Cece wrinkles her nose. "Aww. That was nice."

Schmidt leans into Cece and smooches her on the mouth, and Jess and Nick both share a look and smile at each other for the first time all week, and then, well, they stop smiling because, - "Ew, Schmidt, get your hand off of her ass! You're in  _our_ living room and you're not allowed to grab each other like that on a couch that isn't yours!"

Schmidt clears his throat, and Cece just pushes her hair back behind her ears.

"My bad," he apologizes, and then he takes possession of Cece's hand before looking at Jess and Nick and asking, "So, how did it start?"

"Well, we were having sex..." 

"Naturally."

"Of course.  _Ugh_. Newlyweds do it  _all the time_ ," Cece whines. "Now I can't even get my bra off before a baby starts crying."

Jess laughs at that. "Anyway," she says, "we were having sex, and I asked him what he thought about kids."

"During  _sex_?" Schmidt asks. " _Why_?"

"Because I want to know that my  _husband_ ," Jess says sharply, and now her eyes are like daggers on Nick's, "is on the same page as me."

"Understood, but  _at least_ let him reach completion first," Schmidt says. "You know it takes Nicholas longer than the rest of us."

"Does not, dude! You're the one who can't have sex without laying down on a freakin' rattle."

"That was  _one time_ ," Schmidt says defensively. 

"Hey, hey, stop," says Cece, and she runs a hand down Schmidt's forearm to settle him down before he goes on another Rattle Rant. "What happened next?"

"Well, we were finishing up, and he didn't say anything until I was putting my bra on -"

"You don't put her bra on for her, Nicholas?" Schmidt interrupts, and both Jess and Nick give him this  _look_ , and Nick goes, "Um, no? The little things - The hooks - They're hard. She's been putting bras on since she was twelve. She's a big girl."

"You're an animal," says Schmidt, shaking his head.

Nick snickers. "You eat baby food for breakfast."

"Go have a baby and then tell me Gerber Rice and Banana Apple Cereal isn't good."

"Guys, guys,  _stop_! Go on, Jess," Cece says. "What did he say when you were putting your bra on?"

"He said -," Jess starts, and then she pauses to look at Nick, to  _really_ look at Nick, and he just throws his hands up defensively. "He said, 'I don't know, man'."

Cece and Schmidt both widen their eyes. "' _I don't know, man_ '?", Schmidt mocks, and he's judging Nick -  _hard_. "First off, why you're calling your wife ' _man_ ' is just - it's beyond me, Nicholas."

"You called your wife 'Turtle Dove Angel Baby' at her birthday dinner last year and it  _still_ bothers me," Nick says. 

"I was tipsy on the - on the mimosas," Schmidt argues, and then Cece interrupts with a shaking head and says, "He actually calls me that all the time."

"Jess, do you like 'man', or 'Turtle Dove Angel Baby'?" Nick asks her.

Jess wrinkles her nose and goes, "Um... Neither?"

Cece rolls her eyes. "Oh my God. Can we just finish the story without  _you two_ interrupting every five seconds?"

"Sorry, babe."

"Yeah, sorry Turtle Dove."

"Ew, Nick, don't call me ' _Turtle Dove_ '."

"Sorry, babe."

"' _Babe_ ', either."

Jess sighs loudly and leans back into the couch, squeezing her eyes shut. "You know what? It doesn't matter what happened. All that matters is that I'm pissed about it and Nick needs to say sorry."

" _I_ need to say sorry? Jess, you're the one who stormed out."

"Yeah, only because you tried to first!"

Schmidt looks to Cece and rubs his lips together, then says, "This is not good."

"Look," Cece says after a few seconds, and Jess and Nick stop their bickering to look up at her. "Whatever you said, Nick, it pissed Jess off, because she  _obviously_ wanted to hear something different."

"I guess I could've said something that wasn't, ' _I don't know, man_ ', to be fair," Nick says.

Schmidt rolls his eyes. "I mean, you think?" 

"Jess, what did you want Nick's answer to be?" Cece asks.

Jess has to think about it for a minute, and she looks at her husband before she looks at Cece or Schmidt. Nick looks a little sorry, - (and also a little hungry, and a little tired, and a little, ' _Can we be anywhere but here right now_?'). 

"I mean, I didn't want him to say, 'Let's go make a baby right now', because I don't - I don't want a baby right now. Babies are kind of gross."

Cece and Schmidt both raise their eyebrows in offense, and Jess is all, "Not your baby! Not your baby!"

"But you  _do_ want a baby," says Nick, and he takes Jess's hand in his, and she lets him without pulling away from him even though she  _Stormed Out_ before. 

"I mean..." She bites down on her lip and looks up at Nick. "Don't you?"

"We've only been married for three weeks," Nick says, and Jess nods in confirmation. "We still have to do all of that Stupid Married Couple stuff, like, - You haven't even yelled at me for leaving the toilet seat up, yet."

"Yeah, well, you've only done it twice and I figured I'd let you off the hook."

"Thanks for that," Nick says sincerely, and then he leans in and smooches her on the side of the mouth, and it looks like all is forgiven and Mr. and Mrs. Schmidt's Couples Counseling  _worked_ , and then --

"I just don't want you to feel like you're being forced into having a baby," Jess says. "You know, when we actually  _do_ have a baby."

"I mean, what is that, five years from now?" Nick asks, and Jess says, " _Five_?" with her eyes all wide. "Nick, my box is going to be  _barren_ in five years. I can't wait five years to have a baby. Two. Or three."

" _Two or three_?" 

"Say it like that again and it'll be  _one_."

Cece looks at the two of them and cringes, and then says, "Nick. Why are you scared?"

"It's just - Jess - With  _me_ -  _Baby_."

"I'm not exactly sure how to translate that," Cece says, and then she looks to Schmidt for help.

Schmidt narrows his eyes. "Are you trying to say Jess is too good for you?"

"Well, yeah," Nick says.

"That part's obvious, she  _is_ too good for you, but somehow, she chose to settle down with you anyway, so just accept it, man."

"I'm trying," Nick says, puffing out his cheeks, and he feels Jess's hand on his thigh. "What, Jess?"

"I married you because I love you, and I want our kids to have your nose, and your secret smartness, - and  _my_ fashion sense, but, -"

"Ain't that the truth," says Schmidt, and then he goes on about how, "Nick, your flannel clashes with those shoes _so_ badly. Who raised you?"

"But," Jess says, and she squeezes Nick's kneecap, "Please stop questioning why I want you. It's been years and you  _still_ ask me, 'Are you sure?' as if you're not good enough, or something."

"I mean, he really  _isn't_ the most qualified, but -"

" _Schmidt_ ," Cece says, and she slaps him on the side of the head.

Nick and Jess kiss, and Cece claps her hands together, and Schmidt says, "It worked! I'm good at so many things."

—

Cece and Schmidt are going out of town for the weekend, and they can't bring the baby because it's for a work thing, so Jess and Nick volunteer to babysit and Nick's a little reluctant because, ' _We've never been alone with the kid before, Jessica, what if we forget to feed it?_ ', and Jess is two seconds away from bringing up The Fight, but she doesn't, and then on Friday afternoon there's a sixteen-month-old and a whole lot of diapers in their apartment.

Jess is getting dinner ready, and Nick's on the couch watching a  _Barney_ DVD with the baby, and Jess laughs because her husband is more entertained by  _Barney_ than Cece and Schmidt's kid is, and --

"Aww, did you two fall asleep?" Jess pouts jokingly and walks over to the couch and Nick is knocked out and the baby is sprawled across him. 

Nick sits up and goes to rub his eyes, but then he realizes both of his hands are wrapped around the baby and smirks. "I guess we did," he says. 

"Good. Since you're so used to her now, you can change her diaper before she eats dinner. Have fun!"

Nick sits up, the baby still in both of his arms. "Wait, what?"

"Complain about it and  _two or three_ becomes  _one_ ," Jess says, referencing back to their Couples Counseling Argument from days ago.

Nick stands up off of the couch and the baby starts to stir in his hold. "Come on kid, let's do this. And hey, Jessica?"

Jess is leaning down and folding the throw blankets on the couch. "What, Nick?"

"If it  _is_ one," he says, "I won't care."

Jess wrinkles her nose and watches him walk into the bedroom with the baby. "Thought so."


End file.
